Meant to Be Me Page 10

  “No,” Anja cried. “It’s not like that.” She smacked the water in frustration, and Darcy pressed herself back further to the edge. “This isn’t how it was meant to go. I knew it was too soon.”

  Darcy watched her climb out and pull on her robe.

  “Can we go inside and talk, please? I feel ridiculous doing this out here.”

  Darcy didn’t say anything. She still felt cold and knew it wasn’t the snowy weather. Anja started towards the cabin, and Darcy had no choice but to follow. Once inside, she stalked to the fire and added a couple of logs, then rubbed her arms and willed the warmth back in to her limbs.

  Anja stood with her at the fireside and moved to take her hand, but Darcy quickly pulled away.

  “Don’t. I need you to not touch me right now. It’s too confusing.” Darcy’s heart thudded, and she felt Anja’s stare but couldn’t bring herself to meet it. “I feel as if I’m questioning every single moment of us now. It’s always just been you and I, best friends, secure and safe.” She finally raised her gaze to Anja’s. “Special.”

  There was real sorrow etched across Anja’s face, and it hurt Darcy to see. She wanted nothing more than to reach out and smooth it away, but this time she couldn’t. This time it wasn’t for her to make it all better.

  “Exactly,” Anja whispered. “I thought we were special. In fact, I know we’re special. I guess I hoped that meant you might feel the same way. I kept looking for signs, and recently, I don’t know? It felt as if there was something more there. Then we had such a wonderful time in Amsterdam, and it really clicked for me. I knew I had to tell you soon.”

  Darcy took a deep breath. She had no idea how to make this better but knew honesty was the only way forward. Anja was out on a limb, and it was only right that Darcy be upfront about her own thoughts and feelings.

  “I’ll admit I did consider it for a moment. I won’t lie, I’ve wondered about us a few times. Questioned if my own feelings were more. And you’re right, Amsterdam was wonderful, in fact at one point I thought you were going to kiss me. Then I told myself I was being an idiot.”

  “When?” Anja’s voice was still barely a whisper.

  “When did I think you were going to kiss me? In the hotel corridor.”

  Anja nodded gently. “I almost did. For a second, I thought you wanted me to, but I couldn’t be sure.” She sat on the arm of the sofa with her hands clasped in her lap and stared at the roaring flames. “Why did you never bring it up? Tell me you’d thought about us in that way?”

  Darcy perched on the other arm, maintaining her distance. “I guess I never wanted to risk finding out I was wrong in case it broke us. Plus, you were married. Then in Amsterdam I wondered if it was because we’d been living in each other’s pockets lately. If it was a way for you to forget Jason. I could never be used, Anja, especially not by you.”

  Anja’s voice rose in exasperation. “I told you it’s not like that, Darcy. I would never treat you that way, please believe me. This goes way beyond Jason. It has for a long time.”

  Darcy blew out a breath and looked to the ceiling, taking a moment in the hope of calming the thundering in her chest. Her legs trembled a little as the adrenalin of the hot tub moment faded. She slid off the arm to sit fully on the sofa and slouched down in to it. “I don’t know what else to say right now. What this means for us?”

  Anja tentatively did the same and moved a little closer to her on the sofa. “Then let me explain, Darcy, please.”

  Darcy wasn’t sure she was ready to hear it yet. She felt bewildered and wounded by Anja’s admission.

  She thought of Eilidh and shook her head. Had Anja been manipulating her this whole time? Were her harsh words for Eilidh, for Amy, for all the others because she harboured her own feelings for Darcy?

  She had been there for Anja through the entire Jason saga, and now Anja was telling her he didn’t matter. Had all those tears and tantrums been faked?

  Her imagination made a leap she was unprepared for, and she hoped badly that it was untrue. Had Anja used the Jason situation to get her to cancel her date with Eilidh and spend the night with her instead? Anja was yet to be clear on how Jason fitted in to this whole revelation of hers.

  She was afraid to know but had to ask again.

  “Was it all a lie, you being upset about Jason? If you’re telling me he doesn’t matter, then what have the past few weeks been all about? Was it a way to spend time with me? Or was it an excuse to make me cancel with Eilidh? I need the truth, Anja. It’s the only way we’re going to be able to deal with this.”

  “Fuck.” Anja pulled at her hair.

  “Are you kidding me? It was?” Darcy couldn’t keep the incredulity from her voice. “That was all for show? To somehow suck me in and guilt me into being with you? Do you realise how fucked up that is, Anja?”

  “No. That’s not how it was. You have to believe me. It wasn’t meant to go this way. Please understand, Darcy. I could feel us becoming closer, but I wasn’t ready to tell you and I knew with Jason still around we had no chance of becoming more. You would never even consider the possibility of us.”

  There were so many questions and scenarios causing chaos in Darcy’s mind, and so far, none showed Anja to be the person she thought she knew. The friend she loved and adored and trusted. “Did he even cheat?”

  Anja hung her head, wordlessly answering Darcy’s question.

  “Oh, Anja. Tell me you didn’t kick him out because of me? Tell me you didn’t end your marriage of six years because of some crush on me?”

  Anja’s head snapped up again. “It’s not a crush. Don’t reduce it to something so easily dismissed. This is very real for me, Darcy, whether you feel it or not. I think deep down you do.”

  “You’re wrong. This has never been more for me, Anja. Despite a few idle wonderings in the early days, then Joe messing with my head. Even if it were, how could it be anything more now with the lies you’ve told?”

  “I only ever lied for you.” Anja shifted in closer.

  “Don’t.” Darcy held up a hand and moved back. “Don’t you dare say it was for me. Can’t you see how wrong you’ve got this?”

  “Yes,” Anja thumped the sofa in frustration. “I know I’ve gone about it all wrong, but once I’d told the lie about Jason, that was it, I had to see it through or risk losing you. I got impatient, okay? I knew you would never look at me how I wanted if Jason was still around. I thought if we spent more time together you would finally see me and know the truth. That I could be more than your friend. That I was the person you had been looking for all along. I thought if I kissed you it would all fall into place for both of us.”

  “What did you say?” Darcy’s blood turned to ice, and the damp hair on her neck bristled.

  Anja looked confused. “I wanted us to be more than friends.”

  “No, not that.” Darcy jumped up and rushed past her to the bedroom. She yanked open the bottom drawer of her dresser and grabbed an envelope. She stormed back to a perplexed Anja and pulled a card from the envelope, one she’d kept from before the police had become involved.

  She slammed it against Anja’s chest. “Did you write that?”

  Anja took the card but didn’t look at it. Instead, she kept her gaze fixed on Darcy. “Darcy, please. Don’t do this.”

  “Answer the fucking question, Anja. Did you write that?”

  Anja finally glanced down at the card. “What is it?”

  “Don’t play games. You know what the hell it is. Read it.” Darcy backed away from her so-called friend. “I said read it.”

  “Darcy, you have to understand…”

  “Read the card, Anja.”

  Anja began to cry. She slowly turned the card over and sucked in a shaky breath. “One day you’ll see me. One day you’ll know the truth.”

  It was whispered, but the words had the same impact
as the first and every other time Darcy had read them.

  “Tell me you didn’t write that.” Darcy choked back her own sobs as the pieces fell in to place. “Please tell me you didn’t write that, Anja. Tell me it isn’t you who’s been torturing me all this time.”

  Darcy watched as the card fell from Anja’s hand and tears streamed down her face. Her voice remained low, tinged with resignation. “I’m so sorry. But you don’t know the whole story.”

  Darcy’s legs gave a little then. She held onto the back of the sofa for support. Anja got up and moved towards her, hand outstretched, but Darcy knocked it away. “Get away from me,” she screamed. “Don’t fucking touch me!”

  “Darcy, please. I’m so sorry. I love you. I need you to know the whole story.”

  “Love? Are you fucking kidding me? You don’t know the meaning of the word. I need you to get out of my house.”

  “Not until I explain. You need to let me tell you everything. Why I’m here and how this happened. Then I know you’ll understand.”

  “Explain what? That you’re a lying manipulative bitch? If this is love to you, then you are seriously fucked up, Anja.” Darcy stood up straighter and swiped at her tears before pointing towards the door. “Now get out. Before I call the police and tell them everything.”

  Anja moved towards her again, and Darcy flinched. She was suddenly very afraid of her so-called friend. She tried to put the sofa between them, but Anja was quick, grabbing her by the wrists and pulling her closer. “I need you to listen. It’ll make sense if you’ll allow me to explain. Please, Darcy, I’m begging you. Five minutes. That’s all I’m asking.”

  Darcy twisted to get out of her grasp. “I don’t want to hear another fucking word. How can I believe anything you have to tell me?” She managed to release her hand and shoved Anja with enough force to send her tumbling to the floor.

  On her knees, she grabbed for Darcy again and gripped on to her robe. “Please, give me one chance to make it right and then I’ll go.”

  Darcy shrugged her off and bolted for the door. She stuffed her feet in to her boots and relieved her keys from their hook. Anja stayed on her knees, and Darcy turned to face her, taking in the beautiful face stained with tears and anguish. It did nothing to thaw the ice that had set in Darcy’s heart. “If you won’t leave, then I will. I can’t bear the sight of you.”

  She threw open the door and headed for her car. Anja’s sobs followed along with the soft crunch of snow under bare feet. Darcy didn’t look back. Once in the car, she thumped the button to lock the doors, then screamed through the window, “You need to leave me alone. If you’re here when I get back, Anja, I’m calling the police.”

  She knew she shouldn’t drive. There’d been so much wine. She also knew she couldn’t stand another second of listening to Anja’s pleading. As she drove down the track, she risked one last glance back in the rear-view mirror. Anja had fallen to a heap in the snow, sobbing into her hands.

  When the world went to shit around her, this would normally be when Darcy would rush to Anja’s to seek solace. Sorrow washed over her as she realised she had no idea where else to go.

  Chapter 19

  Anja screamed out into the empty night as she watched Darcy’s car lights disappear down the track.

  How could she have been so stupid and weak? She had caved into months of pent-up feelings and fucked everything up. This wasn’t how it was meant to go; the plan was for Darcy to come to her. But in that moment, Darcy had looked so beautiful, and the opening had been there. She’d been powerless to resist.

  She scooped a handful of snow and threw it pointlessly towards the retreating car. Then the panic began to set in. Was Darcy going to tell everyone? Would she phone the police? What was stopping her?

  Anja needed to try and speak to her, reason with her, calm her down and make her understand. Plus, she was drunk; they both were. Darcy shouldn’t be driving. That thought didn’t stop her from running back towards the cabin and grabbing her own bag and keys.

  If she could follow her, make sure she wasn’t headed for the nearest police station, then at least Anja would know she had time. Once Darcy calmed down, had space to think, maybe she would give Anja the chance to tell her story. Maybe she would have the opportunity to tell Darcy how it had all begun, how her feelings had turned from anger and hatred to love.

  She slammed the car door and smacked the steering wheel a few times in frustration, with herself, with the whole situation. After weeks of emotional turmoil, ridding herself of Jason and the baggage he’d hung around her neck, she’d been so close. She could feel it. Darcy had begun to see her as something more, something real. She had more or less admitted as much. Had disclosed the fantasies, however fleeting, about whether they could be more. It was the shock of Anja’s sudden kiss, that was all. She would come around eventually if only Anja could let her in on the heartbreak she had suffered, then her actions would make sense. As misguided as they had been, she was sure they could be rationalised and understood.

  Sure, there was still the complication of Eilidh, but it wouldn’t take much to derail that. Delete a few more texts, side-track Darcy with the guilt of friendship, and she was sure the other woman would soon run out of patience. Anja had done it before and was confident this woman was no different from the rest.

  Once Darcy knew the whole story, knew what Anja had sacrificed and forgiven her for, she would realise Anja was someone who truly loved her. Someone who would do anything for her. In time, there would be forgiveness on both sides, and they would be able to move forward, to make it work. Anja knew it was meant to work; Darcy would see that eventually.

  In the meantime, she needed to know that Darcy was okay and wasn’t about to do something that could wreck it all before it had begun. Darcy didn’t have her phone or her bag; where would she go? Who would she run to? Anja knew her mum was on the other side of the world. She had a few friends from the sailing club and hiking, but would she turn up on their doorstep in her robe this late at night? She didn’t think so.

  Who did that leave? Colleagues? She pictured Darcy showing up at Bridget’s or Joe’s. Did she even know where they lived? Would she run to Eilidh? A woman she may have been speaking to for weeks over text but who she had only actually met once? It didn’t seem likely.

  The roads were quiet, and Anja pushed her speed. She knew the twists and turns by heart having made the journey hundreds of times. Instinct made her take the right turn towards Inverness; there was no way Darcy would take the left. It followed the south shore of Loch Ness, deserted at this time of night with only a few tiny villages interspersing the long, dark winding roads. Anja was sure she would head for bright lights and perceived safety.

  Red lights shone ahead, and Anja squinted, trying to make out the model of the car. It wasn’t her. She gunned the engine and rode the car’s bumper until a short straight appeared and she could overtake. Another set of lights dipped out of view over the brow of a hill, and she pressed her foot to the floor to catch them.

  It was her.

  Anja hung back a little but flashed her lights, willing Darcy to slow down. The roads were slick, and neither of them was in a fit state to drive. Hedgerows and trees flew by either side, making her head spin and her stomach lurch. They were already going too fast, but Darcy still increased her speed. Anja tried her lights again, keeping a distance but unwilling to give up.

  “Shit.” Her back end skidded out a little, and she turned into it while easing back on the accelerator. Darcy’s lights disappeared around a corner, her car unaffected by the ice. “Fuck, Darcy, you need to slow down.”

  Anja tried a different tactic. She dropped back a turn and tried to keep a little distance. If she disappeared from Darcy’s rearview, maybe it would make her think she had given up and she would calm down. Drive at a more sensible speed, or even pull over.

  She crested the brow of a hill and b
egan a descent that would take them to the edge of the city. The lights were bright in the distance, and Anja felt a little relief that Darcy would at least be forced to slow down. Between roundabouts and traffic lights, Anja could keep tracking her without the fear of icy roads.

  She saw a flash of red through the trees at a corner below, before it disappeared around the next one. Anja’s speedometer read sixty-five miles per hour, already too quick; she could only guess how fast Darcy was going.

  The descent levelled out to an open straight, bringing them only a mile or two from town. She felt her wheels slide again, enough to cause a leap of panic. As she corrected, the red lights ahead caught her eye, swayed violently one way, then the other.

  “Fuck, no.”

  She watched as Darcy’s car fishtailed wildly. Anja began to quickly gain on it, so she slammed on her own brakes. There was nothing she could do to stop it. When Darcy’s car hit the grass verge, she clamped her eyes shut as the unthinkable was set in motion.

  Chapter 20

  Exhausted from a lack of sleep, Eilidh’s legs refused to run. She kept moving anyway, one foot in front of the other, in an attempt to walk the claustrophobia off.

  Claire had been gone for almost three weeks, and the house was still adjusting. Eilidh was still adjusting. Despite the sparseness now that it had been purged of Claire’s belongings, when sat alone with only her thoughts for company, it suffocated her. The lack of colour and energy was now more apparent not only in her house, but in her life in general.

  The doctors told her there would be days like this. Highs and lows. Uncontrollable but able to control her. She knew the exercises, knew the right pills to take; it was a matter of waiting it out and keeping busy until then.

  Gratitude got her through most days. Through the therapy, the pain, the anxiety, and the trauma of what she’d been through. Most days. The days when she woke up in the morning and smiled because there had been a time when the doctors thought she would never wake up again.